Sunday, April 18, 2004

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth
will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace

so so lost. something that ive been so oblivious too. ive lost alot along the way. somehow with all the work piling up, lost a little bit of zeal, a little bit of passion, a lot of direction. and i need a serious redirection. and somehow it seems this verse in the song is the key. its time to stop believing that only when i feel like im God's servant that i can serve Him because thats missing the point. ive overshot (undershot too) quite abit pushing myself with my ministry looking like a job more than a choice, a sevice unto Him. its time to change that.

i will not let You go until You bless me.

i will not, whether i feel like it or not. i still feel this upon my heart: a Passionate people. passionate people DONT GIVE UP! i will push on, trevail, i will NOT let You go until You've blessed my girls, i wont let You go until i see kaitian, shine, mag, xiuyu, huikhoon, ALL of them again, and on FIRE for You. i will NOT let my girls go either. i am going to cling on, i am going to turn my eyes upon You.

she danced 9:53 PM l

Friday, April 09, 2004

how absolutely fitting.
i could cry but i have no tears. i have just coldness in my heart. coldness that is making me afraid.

a Good Friday to you, hao xing qi wu
prayer was simply, awesome. my God is simply, magnificent.
i have been called to be a passionate person. Passion will not stop, give up, because of Passion i will not let You go till i have found you, till i have found what i seek. Passion which drove my Jesus to take up His cross two thousand years ago, so now do i want to take up my cross with Passion.

she danced 4:07 PM l

Monday, April 05, 2004

i feel this desperate need to reach out and hug you. to embrace you because i love you so. not in a romantic sort of way but because u need someone and i want to be the one to hold you. yet, i feel like a ship cruising on smooth waters. it just seems like im so so distant from you. i would rather stormy seas to shake me out of this oblivion to know that i am with you to hold you and share your pain. but i am not. i have never been good with my words, never knew the right things to say, that could wash over pain and bring refreshing. i can only stand at that distance to love you.

more than two people commented i look melancholic today.
it is only so long i can continue to pursuade myself its my contacts hurting my eyes.
but i am not falling into depression. somehow i know i wont be able to go back to that depression (i dont want to at any rate) of my past, that raw ugly memory simply because i know His saving grace. that keeps me warm even in a stormy night.

yet i still cant get rid of this loneliness thats plaguing me. a sort of stumbling but not quite the abyssmal fall as would be typical of my past.

i cant get rid of those raw images haunting my mind. raw, that was once me, raw, that is now you. i want to take you, keep you safe, safe from hurt, safe from your masochism, i love you really as a true friend.

she danced 10:29 PM l

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

just for the sake of satisfying your voyeuristic pleasure,

i give you....




nothing.


(alright im so mature. at any rate its been a terrible week again. sleeping so much in class. even getting scolded for poor work attidtude. sulk. its still fun to torture yourself though. can u tell im off the hook. haha poor eunice. an overdose of my rubbish. no sympathy for gina cus shes madder than me!!! hyukhyuk)

like a flower choking on the sun, the comfort, the neccessity of loving you- if that could describe my emotions- is so strong, so overpowering that i am struggling under the gentle iron grasp of your attractiveness. you who reaches deep within me to draw desires so strong, yet who causes me to shrink away like a gentle human touch to a mimosa leaf. this desperation is choking flooding, and yet my soul feels parched. i dont want to need you so much, as if one smile, one gaze can prompt me to fall deeper into this abyss of dependency. it seems the more i cut you off, the more of myself is lost within this bondage and i cant let go. i need to, and i will somehow.

its terrble to have one person engulf your thoughts in this way. i miss you by the way, i cant wait to lame ass aound with you again. and you too, havent SEEEN you in ages. and the rest of you <3

she danced 11:19 PM l

Thursday, March 04, 2004

i wish there was something i could do to hold up time while i hole in with Him.

but see, thats whats wrong with me. i want to control everything. but i can't. something's bound to spin out of control somehow. i need the strength to let it all go and let God. "relearn how to rest" it sounds weird doesnt it. but its what i need to do.

what id give to be able to feel you.
i miss you, would you take my hand once again.
hold me tight and speak to me
i love you.

anyway, i have to get spiritually refocused.
off now anyhow, bye brown cow.

she danced 9:52 PM l

Thursday, February 26, 2004

i love you

she danced 10:04 PM l